Girl, close your eyesIn the middle of the night, while I was lying in silence, I heard what I thought was the sound of my mother's electric chair. There's a kind of purring sound it makes when she's lifting it up with the remote control in order for her to get out of the chair. Since she had her hip operation, she has been sleeping on it, as she finds it more comfortable than her bed. After listening for a few minutes I didn't hear her go to the bathroom. Maybe, she's changed her mind. How very odd that I can still hear the sound. If it's not the chair what can it be? Is it the fridge? No I can't hear it from here. Has someone left their car engine running? I got up to look out of the window but there was nothing there.
Let that rhythm get into you
Don't try to fight it
There ain't nothin' that you can do
Relax your mind
Lay back and groove with mine
You got to feel that heat
And we can ride the boogie
Share that beat of love Rock with You, Michael Jackson
What the hell is that noise and where is it coming from?
It was then I realised the sound was coming from inside me. Aha, it's the famous "Aum", which Paramahansa Yogananda refers to when he experiences Cosmic Consciousness:
"The creative voice of God I heard resounding as Aum, the vibration of the Cosmic Motor." Autobiography of a YogiAlthough I've experienced the inner sound which I have even used for healing, I've never heard it as the Aum. As I listened to it, it felt like it was coming from both within me and without. It was everywhere.
How many people are going on courses and retreats just to hear the "Aum" which I can hear so clearly and that feels so natural. Years ago I used to chant some mantras that included the "Aum" or "Om." At the time, I was only interested in those mantras because I'd heard they had creative powers. I would find that after chanting for a few weeks and seeing no result, I would give it up as it felt like I was forcing myself to be something I'm not.
I later came to realise that life, for me, is about being true to myself. I find that when I follow my heart I am, as Michael Jackson's song goes: "letting the rhythm (of my Soul) get into you". All I need to do is just do what I love and I'm drawn to a way that's natural for my own unique "evolutionary path", which cannot be taught by any spiritual teacher or guru.
For instance, when I started meditating, I didn't do it because it was spiritual, I did it because it was fun and it felt natural. Through practice I got to discover my essence as Love-Light. Meditation then became another way of expressing my joy. Years later when I tried meditating in a group setting and following a particular technique, it felt artificial. I couldn't relate to the teacher's way or the practice. I decided to just stick to what I do best i.e. meditate in my own way.
I remember once during meditation experiencing this immense heat travelling up my spine. At the time I didn't have a point of reference and just thought I was being burnt alive or something. Fortunately, the heat passed through my head. The next time it happened again I was used to the experience so I just relaxed and let it do its thing. It was only years later that I discovered that experience had a name called the "Kundalini," a kind of creative energy at the base of the spine that can be activated. For a short while I even practised Kundalini Yoga with a group, which was supposed to be a safe technique to help awaken the Kundalini. Again the ritual felt artificial and I soon abandoned it. Besides, why try to awaken the Kundalini when mine is already awake?
Since my early twenties, I've been having inner dialogues with myself. I would have discussions with myself on the computer about whatever issues I had to deal with at the time. Through that technique I discovered that I did have all the answers inside of me. It's a matter of trusting in myself.
Years later when I started studying healing, part of the course included committing yourself to following the guru's teaching. As much as I enjoyed playing around with energy, I couldn't follow the guru's teachings because it didn't feel right. There's nothing inspiring about acting "small" just so I can belong to a group. So I got what I needed from the course and abandoned that path.
There was a time when the Inner Voice suggested that I read the book "Science and Health with Keys to the Scriptures" by Mary Baker Eddy, which I did. At the time I thought I'd discovered the "Holy Grail" and even considered becoming a Christian Scientist, but the Inner Voice advised me that it wasn't my path. I didn't heed the Voice at first but then I started feeling uncomfortable as what I believed in my heart started to clash with the teachings. That was when I finally accepted that following a religion/teaching/school of thought is not for me.
Back to listening to the "Aum", I had a vision where I saw myself in this narrow tunnel. On both sides of the wall were many faces of people of different nationalities all watching me walk through the tunnel. I believe the tunnel represents my own unique path.
I can't force myself to be what I'm not. I can only follow my natural rhythm and be myself; and whatever I need to experience will happen at the time that is right for me.
Om Shanti Om!
Related articles: For the Love Starved; What is Mental Illness? What is Resistance?; What is a Prodigy?; From Mediator to Source; My Holy Communion with Michael Jackson; Your Box is Empty - Revisited; Why Do I Love You?; Doing It My Way; Trusting in my Path; Taking the Dog for a Walk; Some Thoughts on Meditation - Haha; The Way of No Way; Stop Trying So Hard!; Following My Own Rhythm; Follow Me